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12:30pm 31/08/2005

(2 Scars | Cut Me Here)

When will the truth set me free?   
01:07pm 30/08/2005
  Lies. Deceitful lies. You scar yourself because you are not excepted by those you case about. They fuck your best friend, cheat on you, talk shit about you behind your back, and continuously hurt you over and over again to see how much pain your heart can take. So is there such thing as a true friend? Trivia of the day: If someone lies to you even if it is to protect you, are they a true friend? Please answer this for me.  

(1 Scar | Cut Me Here)

I'm getting there   
10:53pm 14/02/2005
  Yay!! I am almost at $800 for my vacation trip to visit the panda. He said I could visit so I have been saving and saving!! YAY!! :)

Ta ta,
Angel of Darkness

(5 Scars | Cut Me Here)

06:40pm 06/02/2005
mood: nothing to really feel

The rain pours down and fills my souls

I'm drowning in this life in the darkness and cold.

I go on the road paved in front of me.

As far down as I look only nothingness I see.

There is nothing to say and nothing to exist.

All I can remember is that one last kiss.

I still wear the scars to remind me of my life.

The things I've seen and felt down this road.

I love the marks that make me who I am.

They remind me of the good times.

The ones I charish most.

It reminds me of the bad times.

But they are ones I hold so close.

No one understands why I am the way I am,

But come to think of it,

No one ever can.

So now the rain has stopped and whithered in the distance.

I just hope one day all these things will finally make some sense.


(Cut Me Here)

The day my heart died   
11:07am 27/01/2005
mood: numb
Walking into my heart you cut it into pieces so small,
And you went on not caring at all.
I thought you loved me and you made it feel so real,
It never crossed my mind it was my emotions you would kill.
I thought I could come to you whenever I just needed a friend.
But now I see your hatred and you just wanted it to end.
I'm sorry if I hurt you or did something wrong.
I'm sorry I brought you disstress for ever so long.
If only I had known that you feel the way you do,
I would have killed myself and kept all this pain from you.
I always asked you if I was good enough,
You answered out of guilt instead of love.
You always said yes but never meant it from your heart,
I hate that we finally had to part.
You always seemed to be doing ok.
Why did you not express these things til today?
If I could have I would have helped you.
I always asked if there was something I could do.
You would always say "Oh no I'll be alright."
Then everything would always end in a huge fight.
So now you pushed me away and killed me in doing so.
Oh how I wish I could have just let you go.
I loved you so but I was just a little toy.
But you were always my pride and joy.

(Cut Me Here)

You cannot help how you feel   
09:04am 26/01/2005
mood: accomplished

You ever wonder if what you think you feel is real? Or is it a figment of your imagination? I sit and wonder if this life I live is real or all just a huge dream. I've finally given up a lot of things/people in my life that I never thought I would get over. I just wanted to hold on forever for the fear of loosing  something that really in the end never ment anything at all. I thought I was loved but that is all a lie. Everything in my life has been a lie. I think I have finally realized who I am. I have gotten to the point of just not even caring anymore. If  I have friends thats great but what is the true definition of a friend? Someone you talk to that you think cares but really in their mind just wants you to shut the fuck up right? Well that is what I guess I have come across cause those are the kind of friends I have had. The ones that really did care I just pushed away. I thought I should not be loved or cared about because I did not deserve it. I deserve nothing right? Well that is where I really went wrong with a lot of things in my life. Anyone who has gotten to the point of knowing me I hid and ran from. The more you know about me then the more you can use against me and hurt me with. Do I feel anything? Oh hell yeah I do but never let anyone know that is how I use to feel. Put on a hard ass shell and let no one in but in the end, where does that get me? Alone. No one to turn to or talk to. Do I blame anyone but myself? No. I have realized I did not know who I was. When you only have yourself you sure as hell learn a lot about the person you should know best, yourself. My own worst enemy. I am a diesease. I hurt and break all that I touch. But in the end, now, I have one person. I've learned it is hard to take care of someone when you can barely take care of yourself. Now that my daughter is getting older she has thought me a lot of things just by being who she is. She has made comments and has had questions I do not have answers for. Like..."Mommy, why don;t you and daddy live together anymore?" "Mommy where is the big Savannah? Why aren't you friends with her anymore?"  "Mommy, where is James? The one with the black hair? Is he still your friend?" "Mommy, why do you move so much?"  Hmmmm...well first of all I messed up about 2 years ago. There was a girl in my life I loved more than anything. She had my heart and everything about me. I miss her more than I can express. Can I do anything about it now? No. I fucked it up. She was the only girlfriend I have ever had. I said mean things about her but yet the whole time I guess it was to cover up how much my heart was breaking without her in my life. She made me smile and I was myself. Her eyes I got lost in. Her hair was the prettiest hair I have ever seen. Her body was gorgeous. She was my life, my everything and I miss her more than I can express. There has not been one day that I have forgotten her. Another person I care for more than anything I met about 4 years ago. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. His personality was amazing, different from all the rest, one of a kind. He tried and tried to warn me not to do thingd that he knew would hurt me but I still did them. He showed me love and was the best cuddle buddy ever :) He is gone now and I might or might not ever see him again. I miss him so but I also feel like a failure. I feel I let him down. I wanted to help him when he was sad, be there to make him smile, just be the best friend I could but I let my feelings get involved and the awesome friendship slowly got more and more distant. What I would do just to give him one last hug and thank him for everything he has helped me through.  I know this is a lot of feelings coming out but I must be honest with myself for once. Now I take my life from here. Pick myself up off the ground, dust off and go on. My apologies to any of those I hurt. I did not mean to and if I could I would take it all back in less than a second. I must go now. It is time to get Reyna from daycare and go to the park. My love to all.


Angel of Darkness

a.k.a. Zee


(2 Scars | Cut Me Here)

In the end   
09:12pm 22/01/2005
mood: drunk

In the end, will anything matter?

In the end, will you even still care?

In the end, who will be there to hold you?

In the end, will you even be there?


What is the point of caring?

What is the point of even helping another?

What is the point of trying to make things work?

What is the point of being someone your not?


Why do you act like you are my friend?

Why do you act like you care?

Why do you tell me lies?

Why do you make me cry?


I have given up on life.

I have given up on love.

I have not given up on hate.

But I have given up on you.


(2 Scars | Cut Me Here)

The sun shines through and wakens the angel   
10:05pm 02/01/2005
  You know the feeling you get when you hold an angel? The warmth inside and completeness of your heart? That is how I feel when I hold her. The way she smiles and kisses me. Hugs and holds me. When she is gone all I do is think of her and nothing else matters. Where would I be without her....I dare not to imagine...

Angel of Darkness

(Cut Me Here)

I had so much fun last night.....   
11:24pm 07/03/2004
mood: cheerful
I have not updated in a while. Well lately, I have been stuck at home and it really started to get to m. Well last night I hung out with the panda fr the first time in a long while. I spent$60 on drinks and we had a great time. We went skinny dipping in the lake at Addicks. It was so much fun :) Then we went back to the house and just hung out. I gave him my skirt that I found at Hot Topic. He loved it. I love spending time with him cause when it is time when everyone goes to sleep, he and I just talk. Kinda catch up on things so to say. Well I must go listen to my new c.d.s :) YAY!! Ta ta til next time,

Angel of Darkness

(1 Scar | Cut Me Here)

I'm a human cutting board....   
05:58am 05/03/2004
mood: depresse
What the fuck has happened to me? I have become a massie fucking human cutting board. Everynight I just sit and ut and cut more into my skin. But yet it is not to bring harm but for fun. I get so bored and so i have to entertain myself. There is something trying to talk to me. Have I lost it or is there really a voice there?

Angel of Darkness

(1 Scar | Cut Me Here)

My love for you will never fade...   
06:40am 23/02/2004
mood: crushed
Your eyes, hair, body, your everything I miss more and more veryday. I will always think of you when I hear this song. Even though we re no longer one, I will always love you.

I've been so alone for so long
Forgotten by the world
Forgotten to myself
You effervescent eyes have awakened me
and brushed the dust away
But I knew you'd never stay

So I memorized the color of your eyes
As I lost myself inside you
And I memorized the way our legs entwined
As I drifted off beside you

I miss, God I miss
Waking up beside you

But now I cling to you
I'm so afraid
Afraid a day will come
And I'll wake and find you gone
But you promised that you'd not abandon me
And then kissed my fears away
But I woke up to that day

But I memorized the way out eyes would meet
Reflected in the bathroom mirror
And I memorized your naked silhouette
As you slowly brushed your hair

I miss, God I miss
Waking up beside you

I've been so alone for so long
Forgot how much it hurts
To wake up so alone

But I'd memorized how warm your body felt
As you lay half asleep beside me.
And I memorized the way the sunlight filled the room
And played upon your body

I miss, God I miss
Waking up beside you
I miss, God I miss
Waking up beside you

Angel of Darkness

(Cut Me Here)

Beyond Forever   
10:27pm 21/02/2004
mood: content
A dream of me still holding you
Beneath the violet sky
Painting of a world soon lost
For here exists no time

Together through, an endless night
Beneath October's moon
This secret held behind my eyes
I long to give to you

Remember heaven's scent
Remember my touch
If only you could understand
If only you could hear my call..

Listen to your ancient heart
In midnight's sun, it waits for you
Within the cold, within the dark
A mirror's fate will surely keep you

And through the darkness we'll find the light
Beyond forever you will be mine
It's everything I could never say
One last breath and slip away

Now join with me, in black embrace
And dance upon your nameless grave
To spill the light and pour yourself
In final sacrifice
Now lick the sin, the crushing fount
As one with devil's sight

And through the darkness we'll find the light
Beyond forever you will be mine
It's everything I could never say
One last breath and slip away..

Beyond forever...
You're mine

And through the darkness we'll find the light
Beyond forever you will be mine
It's everything I could never say
One last breath and slip away..
Beyond forever..

(Cut Me Here)

Death, soon? ...   
12:40pm 21/02/2004
mood: Mental in the head as always
Death, is it sooner than you think? When will I get the pleasure of my sleep with eternity? My coffin made for me? When will I die and be skinny (all bones that is) like I yearn to be everyday? Is it soon? Please tell me this is so?</p>

I am bored and having nothing to do.....grrrr...I will be back to Houston tomorrow and get to see those I have missed. Some I have missed more than others :) Oh well I must go now. Ta ta...

Angel of Darkness


(Cut Me Here)

If you only knew how it feels to go through it in your child hood   
01:02pm 20/02/2004
mood: blank
and it sounds like...armageddon
sounds like...armageddon
sounds like...cum & drink with me 
cum & drink with me 

and I remember him fucking me. 
and I remember liking it 
I didn't know any better, 

and I remember the smell, and the pain, & the shame 
and I remember being afraid and thinking everyday---
every single day that it was my fault... 

oh but what happened to that little girl, 
who used to dream of one day ruling the world, 
who used to draw pretty pictures, 

in my room---beneath the moon
destroying to create
softly praying to god, 

what do I do now? 
what do I do now? 

as I secretely masturbate... 
but then I'd hear his hooves coming down the floor
with a bible in his hand... 

softly opening my door and he'd say... 

DAUGHTER! the day of your attonement is due! 
well there's 3 million sinners out there... 
and that includes YOU! 

no daddy don't! (2x)

I'm bleeding, it's not fair 
you see there's this little place I like to go, 

I like to run and hide---deep inside, 
where all the nightmares are real,and all the monsters come alive, 

oh, but the things I've seen in soft, soft visions and terrifying prophecies, 
like serpents on the take & gods coming in all sizes & shapes
nothing seems fulfilling anymore 

well your temples are swollen in deceit & the body of your missionary

he's rotting... 
rotting in defeat mama? 

are the aliens coming to take us away? [mama?] 
is armageddon gonna happen again today? 


I PREFER DIE!!! than live---this life--of LIES!!! 

vengeance is mine. 

hey...I'm sorry...baby...
please come back inside...we can laugh a little... 
& live & die
no wait. see, eye got this hot pot of jonestown tea & 
its been brewing for you & me
oh, it only takes one sip 

come one baby
surrender your lips
I can take u someplace nice

I can take u...someplace NICE. 

breed my disease be my disease and vengeance will be mine 
its closer than u think... 

so I entered his room at 32 past noon
with my little ritual knife... 
I cut out his tounge
liberated his wife
she loved me for it other world woman,

well, thats what she called me [destroyer] the one who sets yo free 
[cum & drink with me] 

we all die like cartoons, surrender your children, 
kids who like to kill, lies

(1 Scar | Cut Me Here)

~*~ This song puts me at peace ~*~   
03:56am 17/02/2004
mood: blank
I lost myself in shapeless oceans
Whose depths concealed more than they showed
Beliefs obscured by mists around them 
A legacy they'd been bestowed 

Columns of ice paint awkward pictures
Distorted forms that once seemed real
Engulfed inside transparent textures
Billowing curtains as hard as steel

For all the noise filling the landscape
Whispers & cries with no reply
It's quiet here within these boundaries
And thoughts collect like pools of light 

My eyes divide the sky
As sirens sound in heaven
My will brings down the moon
And shatters it to pieces

The silence grew inconsequential
The day became a paradigm 
A thousand years, a hundred decades
An arbitrary slice of time

I found myself with no companion
Except the salty earth and sky
And suddenly there came my focus
The world around me clarified


And so I walked in isolation
Hoping solace would cross my path
Ignored the road that lay behind me 
And stepped away from the aftermath 

I lost myself in shapeless oceans
Whose waters turned from dark to clear
I floated there, a tiny island 
With no more doubt, with no more fear 



(Cut Me Here)

What is this weird feeling?...   
11:23pm 15/02/2004
mood: content

She made it!! Yay!! Reyna got here yesterday. I am sooo fucking happy beyond belief. She brought out the happiness in me that has been hidden away for a long time now. She is the sewing thread that has mended my heart back together. I have a big decision to make though. Stay here or go back with her back to Houston. I have til the end of this week. Good luck to me. Well I must go now. Ta ta now...

Angel of Darkness


(Cut Me Here)

Reyna is on here way!!   
01:46pm 14/02/2004
mood: ecstatic
She is close...sorry..Reyna is on here way here. She will be here in about an hour. YAY...I am so excited but yet time is not passing by fast enough so I am trying to fix these wretched journal back ground but it is not worknig for me. I hope I get it fixed soon but yet it is a good thing that it is a callenge for me. Time goes by faster. I will write more if I feel to do so later. Ta ta til then.

Angel of Darkness

(Cut Me Here)

no tears can come but....   
03:43am 13/02/2004
  I miss him........  

(Cut Me Here)

Fuck everything in existance   
11:42pm 12/02/2004
mood: melancholy

What is this fucking bullshit. Life is never good enough for anyone. People cannot just fucking be happy. They have to mope and be sad. It is what the cool kids do. Well fuck that shit. Life is great for me. I find things to be happy about. I am sick of being around fucking moppy people all the god damn time. Be happy. Well yes, I know, we all go through hard times but no one can just see the good in things. They mope about the stupidest shit. I am happy right now. My baby is coming to stay with me for a week and that starts Saturday. Only 1 more day...yay!!! :) She makes me so happy. I need to find more people like me. Well not like me, please do not curse anyone with that :) he he but you know, just happy and that do not give a fuck about life. I have learned a lot from the people in my life and it is a great great thing. It has made me who I am. It pisses people off that I do not care about much. Nothing really bothers me. I have grown to literally hate sex. It is just something people do...well they fuck if you wanna get technical. If you have someone to share the love and emotions with it, I am all for it but I guess I have grown so numb to the fact that guys just want sex and that is it. I am dealing with someone right now that is jealous of my best friend. He cannot get over it and until it happens, we will go nowhere. Yes, my friend means a lot to me but fucking get over it. We all have our own feelings. I am sure he will hate me now but I have held my thoughts in about this situation for too long. It pisses me off to no end that he focuses on that. Well go ahead, focus and focus a little more on it and when you stop focusing on that shit that should not matter, I might not be around anymore. I hate dealing with it, it is a huge turn off and I am about to loose my cool with the whole god damn situation. You want me to be honest about it but when I am you sit and mope. Fuck that shit. It is a fact of life but if you continuously focus on the "negative" in your eyes then you will get o where. You have a crank additude about things. I am actually trying to open up and talk but part of me wonders what is the fucking point to even try if I am just one big "disappointment" to you. I have already told you how I am from the begininning and I am trying to talk more. I am taking a step but it is hard when you continuously bring out the same thing that I have explained and talked to you about over and over. It takes a while for me to open up. I have let down on saying things because if I ever try to help you with something, like you have asked me to, you get pissed off and tell me to fuck off or you do not want to tlak about it. You ask me things and I am talking about them. I am trying to be open but I do not think it is owrth it anymore. Sorry you think things with me are a lie but what can I do. I never do anything right for you, or so you make it seem. If I try to say something, all you hear is the negative. Please, for once try to see the good in things, not the negative. I gotta go now. I have already opened up too much but oh well, I needed to before I blew up about it all. Ta ta...


Angel of Darkness


(Cut Me Here)

Do the jig :)   
05:40am 11/02/2004
mood: blah

Hello there. I am lost in this world as we are taught it to be. I just got off the phone with my best friend. He always brings happiness to me. I love him so. I am going to kidnap him soon though. Well visit that is. I miss him so. It is so different here compared to Houston. I am craving the big city again. I love things that are big. Tx is a big state, Houston is a big city, my daughter has a big heart (she is so loving that is). I am is a lost at mind mood. There is nothing going through my head at the moment and nothing to really say. Words are at a loss for me. Damn, I am bored. I cannot sleep. But yet I am tired. I am happy yet sad. I am nervous yet confident. You get the point right? I need a digital camera for pics. My boobs are growing, I guess that is good. Ok before I start talking about more boring shit, I will go. Ta ta..

Angel of Darkness


(Cut Me Here)

hi then bye again   
09:29am 08/02/2004
mood: calm
Hello again. I am sorry for the ignorance I have shown. I have not been on line in a while. Going through a lot, that is all I can say. 5 days til I go get my baby. It has me excited and stressed at the same time, you know that is if you have children or a loved one you do not see much. I was just saying hi. Ta ta til later...

Angel of Darkness

(Cut Me Here)

Go fuck yourself   
10:42am 02/02/2004
mood: mental
Growing up, I thought it was normal. I thought I did something wrong. You know I was the unwanted child. I was the push aside. I stepped wrong, I talked to much, I was too fat, I was too ugly, I was nothing. Right. That is why you did this to me. Well FUCK YOU!!! I hate you for what you did to me and what you made me believe. The fact you told me I was a mistake. The fact you hit me. The fact I was ugly to you, I was fat, I walked too hard. I talked to much. I did not wear the perfect size so you portioned out my food and called me fat. You thought it would help me loose weight when you go me up at 4:30 in the mornings and made me run 3 miles and if I stopped you would keep count and it was that many times that you beat me when we got back to the house. Oh no, you could not do it in public. You were the perfect christian. Is that why you hated me so. Because I was not perfect. Because I was unwanted? Ws I never good enough for you? Obviously. I use to care. I use to love you. I use to talk proudly of you to my friends and say how perfect of a dad that you were but now I fucking you. You hated my mother. You beat my bother in front of me. You fucking destroyed everything I thought to be true in a father. You took my heart, ripped it out and posted it for everyone to see and laugh at me for. You embarassed me in front of everyone and never stood up for me. You made me lie to the doctors and say I fell. I hate you for ever being born. It would have taken away this pain I felt. I wish I never knew you. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!!!! DIE!!! Please, and when you do, that will be the happiest day in my life............

(2 Scars | Cut Me Here)

You want my true thoughts...here ya go   
07:17am 02/02/2004
mood: blah
If anyone could get in my mind I think they would be fucked up for life. You wanna know what goes on in my head...well here read this and you might have some idea. I try to be happy in life but that is the biggest strugle of all. You wanna know what I care about, who I love. Well first above everyone else there is my daughter Reyna. She is what keeps me going. She is part of me that no one can compare to. I love her more than life itself. Then there is James. He is my best friend. My first love, someone I will never forget or stop loving. Someone I will always love and wish I could be with again. Yes, be with again. He made me smile like no other, made me feel like no other, made me cry like no other, just in a way I cannot desribe. I am sick of holding feelings inside anymore. I love him. Yes, if James wanted to be with me, I would drop everything I was doing and be with him. Go ahead, get pissed, hit me, do as you will but you wanna know my thoughts, these are it. You discriminate me for feeling these things but yet you ask for it by always wanting to know how I feel. I am sick of feeling. I am sick of not being happy. When I was with him, that is the time I was happiest in my life. Charlie, go ahead. Bitch me out, tell me you hate me, tell me I do not feel this way but I do. I face it everyday. I will never be over him. Call me obsessed. I would not define it as that but yet love that has been introduced to my life and that I will charish forever. James will never be with me again cause he loves me like a sister. Well I have him in my life and that is all that matters. All of you that do not have him, well shit you are missing out on the best thing ever created. William, I know you will be upset, but go ahead, get mad at me, yell at me, do whatever you feel like doing but I am being honest. I love him more than anything. Fuck, why do I have to love someone that I will never be with, that will never love me in that same way. YES, I FEEL. Imagine that. But relationships always go to hell cause no offense, you will never meet up to him. I am sorry if you get pissed cause I am talking about you James, but I have to get it out of my head. It goes in circles all the time. I love you. I have to go now before I piss anyone else off. Bu bye...

Angel of Darkness

(Cut Me Here)